Friday, May 16, 2014
PEOPLE WHO TRANSFORMED ME
This piece is just to let you know that your relationship with people determines your worth. The type of relationship you keep determines who you will eventually become.
God is the only one who can make the transformation, but He uses people on earth to aid it. The best thing is to position yourself in such a way that you will be transformed. Below are some of the people God has used to transform me.
(1) VERONICA ADEBO
Hmm, a woman of honour! It’s just like yesterday, oh, that faithful day, a day I will never forget. That day marked the beginning of my transformation.
I grew up as a vibrant, strong, interesting, and playful boy. Thanks to my parents who bought me all sort of toys when I was much younger. The only thing that made me happy was playing. I can never forget the day I got home 9p.m, after playing the hell out of myself with my friends. My parents gave me the punishment of my life. I never opened my books to read all through primary and secondary education. I wonder how I scored averagely good grades. Thanks to my parents who employed a private lesson teacher on my behalf, perhaps, that was my saving grace. After my secondary education, I gained admission into higher institution. As usual, I continued my normal routine of play. I played basketball both day and night.
When I was writing my second semester examination, in my second year, my mum (Veronica ) asked me if I was reading for my exams and I said no. Thank God I said the truth. The answer I gave that very day made her pour out her mind. She said ‘if you don’t want to be an average student you must be serious with your studies, success comes only by working for it. When others are doing nothing you must be doing something, when others are sleeping, you must be awake working. You must be focus and hardworking. You must never be complacent; you must never take simple things for granted. In everything, always put God first.’ After talking to me for 2hrs, she finished by saying, ‘my son, if it does not cost you anything, it will not make you anything, neither will it take you anywhere.’
That very day marked the beginning of my transformation. After that day, I read for my exam as if reading was the only thing I was born to do. Till date, those words still keep me going. Thanks mum, I’ll always love you!
(2) OREOFE WILLIAMS
Dr Oreofe Williams is a hero. He is the most intelligent person I have ever come in contact with. The president of Oreofe Films and Theater Production Company Nigeria (OFTP), a movie producer, a director, an actor, a motivational speaker, a preacher, and a lecturer.
In 2009, my friend brought me an invitation for OFTP auditioning. He persuaded me to go and I reluctantly attended. Fortunately, that marked the beginning of a new me. After auditioning, I needed no more persuasion to attend Awo Jesu festival 2009. After the festival, I went home tremendously blessed. The words from Oreofe Williams were sensational and inspirational. I can never forget his teachings.
Oreofe Williams is a man who seeks the success of everyone. He just enjoys seeing other people being successful. Well, it shouldn’t be a surprise, God gave him a mandate to raise many giants in this generation ( www.oreofefilms.com). All through my NYSC, he kept asking if I was going to do my Msc. Months later, when I told him I eventually obtained the form, he was excited as if the certificate was to be issued in his name. I was still in my first semester (MSc) when he started talking to me about PhD. He prays for everyone as if he is praying for himself. Often times, he tells me what God says to him while praying for me. Without even saying thank you, he keeps doing his good deeds. Those who know me know that I am not the best when it comes to thanking people but Oreofe Williams does not even care whether you thank him or not.
He taught me to be focus in life. Oreofe Williams is indeed a focused man. When he is in pursuit of a goal, no man can stop him especially when he is acting under the command of God. He also taught me how to be hard working. God used him to teach me all that my mother instructed me to do in order to be a success. Having met him, I indeed, do believe, that, for you to be successful, you must just meet some people who would influence and mould your life aright.
When I met him, I met wisdom, and since then, I have grown in wisdom. It is really true that you gain wisdom either through the people you interact with or through the books you read.
I cannot begin to count all what he has done in my life. This man is a teacher. It is through his teachings that I am what I am today. He is also an example of a giver. The only person that has ever offered me a car as a gift is Oreofe Williams.
Oreofe Williams has truly transformed my life for good!
(3) PROFESSOR MALACHY AKORODA
The first time I heard that name was in 2012 when he was appointed the Executive Director of Cocoa Research Institute of Nigeria (CRIN). Then, I was a youth corps member at CRIN, little did I know he will become my major research supervisor. Malachy Akoroda is a hardworking, focused and determined man with no doubt, and he is very intelligent.
He taught me not to ever give up and he is a truly a man who will never give up. I actually saw this virtue in him after studying his way of life. I remember when I told him I wanted to change my research crop from cocoa due to the difficult situation at my disposal then, he told me not to give up. He strongly advised me not to change the research crop. The words he spoke made me continue with the work. Today, the work is over 70 % completed. From then, I learnt not to be persistent and this is really helping me. As a researcher, you must never give up. You must keep trying until you achieve success.
In addition, he taught me how to be a good writer and editor. Prof. will see every mistake in your write up. I can never forget the ‘six brothers’ in writing a report, ‘why, what, when, where, who, how’ and his favorite song for editors, ‘read all, see all and edit all’. He said I must read all, see all and edit all before bringing my write-up to him. I taught he was punishing me, I later discovered he was building me.
He made me understand the power of writing it down. He always asks me to write every instruction he gives down. The faintest pen is sharper than the sharpest brain.
Within 2 years of knowing him, he has succeeded this much in transforming me. I indeed wonder what I stand to gain if he supervises me all through my career pursuit!
(4) Dr DAVID ADEBO
My daddy (David Adebo) is a well rounded man and I very much cherish his knowledge. There is nothing you say that he does not have an idea of. He is a very simple man and his simplicity is worthy of emulation. I grew, as a teenager, with the idealism of this generation. I was a core idealist, but my dad made me to understand that there is nothing in this world and that the best thing is to live a fulfilled life. Where ever God wants any man to get to, with focus and determination he will surely get there. Till date, I live my life not by running after mundane things but by trusting in God as my dad has rightly instructed me.
Monday, July 18, 2011
How To Deal With Jealousy in a Relationship By Hazel Christine Herber
To know how to deal with jealousy in a relationship, you must identify the root cause. Is the jealousy caused by the behavior of your current partner? Is it a result of being burned in your past relationship? Or is it just plain insecurity within you?
How To Deal with Jealousy in a Relationship because of your partner's behavior
Is your partner the flirty type? Or has your partner broken your trust? Either way if he or she has given you a reason to be jealous and suspicious, jealousy due to this cannot be resolved by you alone. You need to constantly communicate with your partner this feeling and that he or she knows that if you are both to save the relationship, the offending or faltering partner needs to know that he or she has to work doubly hard to earn your trust again, creating, setting agreements to rebuild trust. This does not happen overnight and is a working progress.
The offending partner more than ever needs to know that you need constant reassurance and to win back your trust through transparency and openness. At this point be aware that because of a broken trust, you will tend to have a controlling behavior which might kill the relationship. Being aware of this will help you from being controlling.
Dealing with jealousy due to being burned in a past relationship is however a different matter. You should not come in a new relationship carrying jealousy issues over a past love, and learn to give your new partner a clean slate without casting on him/her a fault of someone else. Nevertheless, it helps to communicate this to your partner so that he/she understands you and can help you heal as you help yourself also get over this fear.
How to get over jealousy due to own insecurity
This stems from lack of self-confidence, and as such, you need to address your esteem issues. Strive to be the best of yourself in every aspect, taking care of yourself physically, cultivating your strengths whether it be at school, work, sports or hobbies. Socialize with friends so as not to put too much focus on your partner - one should never totally build one's life entirely around your partner alone. You both need independent interests to have a healthy relationship too. And this will keep you from nitpicking on every move your partner makes.
Jealousy is a serious issue and should be dealt with early on, and certainly knowing the root cause always helps one to deal with jealousy in a relationship.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6411770
How To Deal with Jealousy in a Relationship because of your partner's behavior
Is your partner the flirty type? Or has your partner broken your trust? Either way if he or she has given you a reason to be jealous and suspicious, jealousy due to this cannot be resolved by you alone. You need to constantly communicate with your partner this feeling and that he or she knows that if you are both to save the relationship, the offending or faltering partner needs to know that he or she has to work doubly hard to earn your trust again, creating, setting agreements to rebuild trust. This does not happen overnight and is a working progress.
The offending partner more than ever needs to know that you need constant reassurance and to win back your trust through transparency and openness. At this point be aware that because of a broken trust, you will tend to have a controlling behavior which might kill the relationship. Being aware of this will help you from being controlling.
Dealing with jealousy due to being burned in a past relationship is however a different matter. You should not come in a new relationship carrying jealousy issues over a past love, and learn to give your new partner a clean slate without casting on him/her a fault of someone else. Nevertheless, it helps to communicate this to your partner so that he/she understands you and can help you heal as you help yourself also get over this fear.
How to get over jealousy due to own insecurity
This stems from lack of self-confidence, and as such, you need to address your esteem issues. Strive to be the best of yourself in every aspect, taking care of yourself physically, cultivating your strengths whether it be at school, work, sports or hobbies. Socialize with friends so as not to put too much focus on your partner - one should never totally build one's life entirely around your partner alone. You both need independent interests to have a healthy relationship too. And this will keep you from nitpicking on every move your partner makes.
Jealousy is a serious issue and should be dealt with early on, and certainly knowing the root cause always helps one to deal with jealousy in a relationship.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6411770
Does He Love Me - How To Know Without a Doubt If His Devotion Is Real or Fake By Breanne Katherine
We women pride ourselves on having an exceptional intuition when it comes to many circumstances and life events, however nothing is harder to read than the inner thoughts of a man.
Especially when it's a man we are extremely interested in and are hoping that he feels the same in return.
To make things even more difficult; men don't express themselves quite as vocally or as obviously as we would sometimes like them too. However on the plus side, most men do give some tell-tale signs that they are inexplicably falling for someone if they exhibit one or more of the following traits:
First off, actions speak louder than words!
This is especially true in a number of ways aside from the classic phone call, text message, door opening and chair presenting. His actions will do all the talking and 'expressing' for him.
One dead giveaway is if he isn't afraid to show some form of public affection.
How sweet and comforted does it make us feel when men hold our hands, lock an arm in ours, or embrace us from any direction? What about the way they kiss us sweetly on the lips before every departure, upon every arrival, and at all the best times?
Well they aren't as clueless to our feelings as they sometimes let on because they know we love these small gestures of affection.
They know that tucking that flyaway hair behind our ear and massaging our shoulders when tension creeps up will make us that much more appreciative, thus falling into the throe's of momentary elation/gratitude, and everlasting attraction.
Another definite measure some men take to express the level of their love is when they begin to offer gifts, of any nature, to the woman they fancy. He may go out of his way to figure out what you love and what you hold dear just to surprise you with something similar and completely unexpected.
He knows this would completely brighten your day and leave a fresh impression of him on your mind for its remainder.
The more creative kind might make something hand-made out of his own artistic abilities just to impress you with something more personally sentimental. Still others may actually shower you with gifts in his desperation to prove just how much he is devoted and willing to make you his!
This is especially true if he happens to remember special dates such as birthdays and anniversaries, and makes sure ahead of time that he has planned something special just to prove, without words, that he has remembered.
Do you ever wake up to see his smiling face looking at yours and pondering how it was he managed to get so lucky? If so, you can bet your bottom dollar that he truly is counting his lucky stars whenever he meets your gaze.
As 'creeper-ish' as it might seem at first - several men, on occasion, watch as their partner sleeps. In fact, their intention is entirely opposite of being creepy as they only do this to revel in the fact that you have chosen him to spend your time, or perhaps your very life with, and nothing makes him happier!
Perhaps you may catch him stealing a sneak peek at you from the side as you absorb yourself in whatever it is your currently doing. Not always, but a lot of the time men may do this discreetly as you engage yourself in conversation with someone else, make certain decisions, or perform a specific action.
Believe it or not, this is mainly because he finds himself in sudden awe of your beauty, admires your prowess and personally feels more honored, worthy, and happy to be within your company.
Sidelong glances and lingering gazes of sheer adoration prove just how much he can never get enough of your effervescent charm.
Most importantly is whether or not he accepts you for who you are. Not only the person you may have been in the past, nor the one you aspire to be in the future, but the one he currently interacts with at any given moment.
This is the person he must learn to love and respect, honor and cherish until his dying breath. So if he learns to accept you and every single one of your flaws and imperfections, big and/or small - he is a definite keeper!
Most flaws are overlooked upon the initial beginning of most relationships, either because they are not yet evident or because they have not been a cause for concern. Over time however, this may change.
This is why it is encouraged by many people to wait up to six months if not more, before deciding if he is really the one for you. This way you both have plenty of time to learn about each others previous mistakes, future concerns, insecurities, and any other shortcomings you deem appropriate.
If after all that he is still standing strong by your side; he must truly be falling, and falling hard!
On rare occasions however, some men may still not be ready for a full-time commitment. He may show all the signs that he is absolutely in love and even honestly mean it when he says he is in love with you, just not quite yet ready to settle down.
Especially when it's a man we are extremely interested in and are hoping that he feels the same in return.
To make things even more difficult; men don't express themselves quite as vocally or as obviously as we would sometimes like them too. However on the plus side, most men do give some tell-tale signs that they are inexplicably falling for someone if they exhibit one or more of the following traits:
First off, actions speak louder than words!
This is especially true in a number of ways aside from the classic phone call, text message, door opening and chair presenting. His actions will do all the talking and 'expressing' for him.
One dead giveaway is if he isn't afraid to show some form of public affection.
How sweet and comforted does it make us feel when men hold our hands, lock an arm in ours, or embrace us from any direction? What about the way they kiss us sweetly on the lips before every departure, upon every arrival, and at all the best times?
Well they aren't as clueless to our feelings as they sometimes let on because they know we love these small gestures of affection.
They know that tucking that flyaway hair behind our ear and massaging our shoulders when tension creeps up will make us that much more appreciative, thus falling into the throe's of momentary elation/gratitude, and everlasting attraction.
Another definite measure some men take to express the level of their love is when they begin to offer gifts, of any nature, to the woman they fancy. He may go out of his way to figure out what you love and what you hold dear just to surprise you with something similar and completely unexpected.
He knows this would completely brighten your day and leave a fresh impression of him on your mind for its remainder.
The more creative kind might make something hand-made out of his own artistic abilities just to impress you with something more personally sentimental. Still others may actually shower you with gifts in his desperation to prove just how much he is devoted and willing to make you his!
This is especially true if he happens to remember special dates such as birthdays and anniversaries, and makes sure ahead of time that he has planned something special just to prove, without words, that he has remembered.
Do you ever wake up to see his smiling face looking at yours and pondering how it was he managed to get so lucky? If so, you can bet your bottom dollar that he truly is counting his lucky stars whenever he meets your gaze.
As 'creeper-ish' as it might seem at first - several men, on occasion, watch as their partner sleeps. In fact, their intention is entirely opposite of being creepy as they only do this to revel in the fact that you have chosen him to spend your time, or perhaps your very life with, and nothing makes him happier!
Perhaps you may catch him stealing a sneak peek at you from the side as you absorb yourself in whatever it is your currently doing. Not always, but a lot of the time men may do this discreetly as you engage yourself in conversation with someone else, make certain decisions, or perform a specific action.
Believe it or not, this is mainly because he finds himself in sudden awe of your beauty, admires your prowess and personally feels more honored, worthy, and happy to be within your company.
Sidelong glances and lingering gazes of sheer adoration prove just how much he can never get enough of your effervescent charm.
Most importantly is whether or not he accepts you for who you are. Not only the person you may have been in the past, nor the one you aspire to be in the future, but the one he currently interacts with at any given moment.
This is the person he must learn to love and respect, honor and cherish until his dying breath. So if he learns to accept you and every single one of your flaws and imperfections, big and/or small - he is a definite keeper!
Most flaws are overlooked upon the initial beginning of most relationships, either because they are not yet evident or because they have not been a cause for concern. Over time however, this may change.
This is why it is encouraged by many people to wait up to six months if not more, before deciding if he is really the one for you. This way you both have plenty of time to learn about each others previous mistakes, future concerns, insecurities, and any other shortcomings you deem appropriate.
If after all that he is still standing strong by your side; he must truly be falling, and falling hard!
On rare occasions however, some men may still not be ready for a full-time commitment. He may show all the signs that he is absolutely in love and even honestly mean it when he says he is in love with you, just not quite yet ready to settle down.
Top 5 Reasons Why a Man Will Not Call You Back. By Breanne Katherine
As much as you may not wish to hear it, waiting beside the phone for hours on end just hoping it will ring is not going to magically persuade him to call you any sooner.
Have you not heard? He has things to do, people to see, and other problems to worry about besides bothering with how you feel and what you are doing.
At least that is the way it can sometimes feel...
When men don't call you back for one reason or another, especially when they said they would, it hurts. It can leave you feeling numb, neglected or even forgotten.
You might begin to ask yourself if you said something wrong, did something to offend him, or if he blatantly does not like you and didn't have the guts to tell you before the end of your date.
Whatever his excuse may be, try not to judge him too harshly until you get the opportunity to speak with him yourself, or confer through other sources (such as his friends, etc.) what his intentions may be.
The reason behind his not calling could mean something both positive and/or negative. It is up to you to correctly analyze your given situation and determine under which of the following categories your man lies, and how to react accordingly;
1. He May Just Be Busy
Relax, girlie! If it has only been a little while since you last seen him then maybe he just has a lot of other things on his plate right now. Think back to your last date with him, did he talk with you about a lot of different activities he is involved with at the moment?
If that is the case, you can feel damn lucky he 'scheduled' you in for a date at all, that must mean he really is interested in you.
Take a breather, go occupy yourself with something in the meantime and he will eventually call.
2. He May Not Want To Come Off as Desperate
Guys aren't entirely unlike girls. If a guy happens to find himself in a situation with a girl that he deems 'out of his league', he may just play it cool so as not to come off as too desperate.
If you put yourself in his position you would probably do the same thing, no? He found himself a girl that he is totally into and instead of scaring her off by appearing as 'too infatuated' too fast - he'll play it cool so to keep you interested as well.
Give him some time to decide when and how he chooses to call you back; he could be feeling very nervous and uncomfortable, so let him take time to be mentally and emotionally prepared for the next step.
If he hasn't called you within a week you can probably feel it safe enough to call and inquire how he has been doing, as well as discern whether he is still interested or not.
3. He May Be Emotionally Hurt
Once again, think back to the last time you had to spend with him. Did things end on a high or a low note? If something was said out of line or if one of you was too forward too quickly and the other withdrew, it could have hurt his pride a little.
He may be taking a step back to analyze the situation, and to defend his heart from further torment by putting you through the anxiety of his not calling (unbeknownst to him or not).
If this is the case, he may either be completely distraught that he wants nothing to do with you or he may be waiting for an apology. Either way, with this kind of situation, it may be best if you go ahead and call.
You might have to swallow your pride so to be the first one who calls after an argument - because if you want to get back on good terms you sometimes have to be the one to make the first move.
Find out if he is willing to talk things out, apologize and say your peace and hopefully he'll come through.
If he doesn't, then either give it some more time before trying again, or just let the situation go completely until he decides what he wants.
4. He May Want To Slow Things Down
True love is meant to last and you either have it, or have the capacity to develop it - or you don't. If you do, then there is all the time in the world to get to know each other, make dates and create memories.
Perhaps he just came out of a previous relationship and he actually has an interest in you. He doesn't want you to feel as though you've become a rebound for him so instead he chooses to take the relationship at an easier pace.
Give him some time, only call if you haven't heard from him within a week or two and only if you have a genuine interest in wanting to know how he is and not why he hasn't called yet.
5. He Just Might Not Be That Into You
It's hard to take, hard to hear and hard to believe but sometimes we just need to face the facts.
Why waste time pursuing someone who has no intention of taking it to the next level? Hell, if he can't even call you back, why waste another second even thinking his name?
Forget about him, move on with your life; there are hundreds of thousands of mermen in the sea and hundreds of them would line up for a 'call', and for a chance to leave you a single message on your voicemail!
Stop pacing around your phone, liberate yourself now by deleting his contact and vowing to replace it with another number by the end of the week.
In fact, if you want to know how to practically overload your phone's memory with an excess of male phone numbers, there is an easy way! Right now, you could learn how to make men beg for your digits and you call you back every single time!
How?
Become a follower on this blog
Have you not heard? He has things to do, people to see, and other problems to worry about besides bothering with how you feel and what you are doing.
At least that is the way it can sometimes feel...
When men don't call you back for one reason or another, especially when they said they would, it hurts. It can leave you feeling numb, neglected or even forgotten.
You might begin to ask yourself if you said something wrong, did something to offend him, or if he blatantly does not like you and didn't have the guts to tell you before the end of your date.
Whatever his excuse may be, try not to judge him too harshly until you get the opportunity to speak with him yourself, or confer through other sources (such as his friends, etc.) what his intentions may be.
The reason behind his not calling could mean something both positive and/or negative. It is up to you to correctly analyze your given situation and determine under which of the following categories your man lies, and how to react accordingly;
1. He May Just Be Busy
Relax, girlie! If it has only been a little while since you last seen him then maybe he just has a lot of other things on his plate right now. Think back to your last date with him, did he talk with you about a lot of different activities he is involved with at the moment?
If that is the case, you can feel damn lucky he 'scheduled' you in for a date at all, that must mean he really is interested in you.
Take a breather, go occupy yourself with something in the meantime and he will eventually call.
2. He May Not Want To Come Off as Desperate
Guys aren't entirely unlike girls. If a guy happens to find himself in a situation with a girl that he deems 'out of his league', he may just play it cool so as not to come off as too desperate.
If you put yourself in his position you would probably do the same thing, no? He found himself a girl that he is totally into and instead of scaring her off by appearing as 'too infatuated' too fast - he'll play it cool so to keep you interested as well.
Give him some time to decide when and how he chooses to call you back; he could be feeling very nervous and uncomfortable, so let him take time to be mentally and emotionally prepared for the next step.
If he hasn't called you within a week you can probably feel it safe enough to call and inquire how he has been doing, as well as discern whether he is still interested or not.
3. He May Be Emotionally Hurt
Once again, think back to the last time you had to spend with him. Did things end on a high or a low note? If something was said out of line or if one of you was too forward too quickly and the other withdrew, it could have hurt his pride a little.
He may be taking a step back to analyze the situation, and to defend his heart from further torment by putting you through the anxiety of his not calling (unbeknownst to him or not).
If this is the case, he may either be completely distraught that he wants nothing to do with you or he may be waiting for an apology. Either way, with this kind of situation, it may be best if you go ahead and call.
You might have to swallow your pride so to be the first one who calls after an argument - because if you want to get back on good terms you sometimes have to be the one to make the first move.
Find out if he is willing to talk things out, apologize and say your peace and hopefully he'll come through.
If he doesn't, then either give it some more time before trying again, or just let the situation go completely until he decides what he wants.
4. He May Want To Slow Things Down
True love is meant to last and you either have it, or have the capacity to develop it - or you don't. If you do, then there is all the time in the world to get to know each other, make dates and create memories.
Perhaps he just came out of a previous relationship and he actually has an interest in you. He doesn't want you to feel as though you've become a rebound for him so instead he chooses to take the relationship at an easier pace.
Give him some time, only call if you haven't heard from him within a week or two and only if you have a genuine interest in wanting to know how he is and not why he hasn't called yet.
5. He Just Might Not Be That Into You
It's hard to take, hard to hear and hard to believe but sometimes we just need to face the facts.
Why waste time pursuing someone who has no intention of taking it to the next level? Hell, if he can't even call you back, why waste another second even thinking his name?
Forget about him, move on with your life; there are hundreds of thousands of mermen in the sea and hundreds of them would line up for a 'call', and for a chance to leave you a single message on your voicemail!
Stop pacing around your phone, liberate yourself now by deleting his contact and vowing to replace it with another number by the end of the week.
In fact, if you want to know how to practically overload your phone's memory with an excess of male phone numbers, there is an easy way! Right now, you could learn how to make men beg for your digits and you call you back every single time!
How?
Become a follower on this blog
Friday, March 25, 2011
Can a Woman Change a Man? Get the Real Answer to This Question Right Here By Scarlet Hall
"If only he did this one thing for me life would be so much better"
"I really wish he can love me the way I love him, I know he will change someday."
"I know if I push hard enough he will eventually change."
I am sure you've often asked yourself the same questions as well. I am sure you have sat there and dreamed all day long about how your life would be so much better if only your man did certain things differently.
Now the big question is - Can a woman really change a man? Is it true that if you knock on the door long enough and hard enough someone will actually answer?
Well let me share some advice which will help you a lot...
He won't change because you want him to. He will only change when he is ready -
First of all please understand - You don't control his mind, you don't run his life and you can't make him do things unless he personally wants to do them.
He is another human being and his life decisions will be completely out of your control just like your life decisions are completely out of his control.
Sure both of you can influence each other but that doesn't mean that one or both of you will do everything exactly as the other partner pleases.
If you are sitting there hoping that some day your man will change for you then you are knocking on the wrong door. And here is the big thing - Men do sometimes change but often that change is short lived.
Very soon they return back to their old behavior. Again I am not saying that all men are like this. There are men out there who do change for their partner but it's not very common.
So can a woman really change a man? Well in one word - NO! And even if she does attempt it's going to be one big hill climb and in the end the reward might not be what she expected. Here is why...
You will always feel unhappy if you depend on him to make you happy...
It's normal to have expectations from your partner, it's normal to look up to them for a lot of things but the big problem is this - Some women completely depend on their partner for emotional satisfaction and always find themselves in constant pain because of it.
Here is some truth for you - A relationship can never make you happy.
I am sure you've heard this before a million times but this statement is extremely significant.
Your partner can't do everything exactly as you want him to therefore there will be some disappointment along the way. And you just can't change that.
The only way to be happy in a relationship is to first accept that your partner has flaws and will do things you don't like or agree with. It's just a normal part of being in a relationship. If you can't handle this truth then you will always end up with unhappiness and disappointment.
Important points -
* A woman can not change a man to match her preferences. Even if a man does change temporarily he will always return back to his old self sooner or later. It's better to change yourself and accept that your partner wouldn't change instead of wasting energy on trying to change him.
* If you are constantly trying to change your man then the whole foundation of your relationship is already flawed. A relationship only works when two partners accept each other the way they are. The moment you try to change your man you can start counting the days before your relationship ends.
* If you believe that when your man will change life is going to be so much better then you are day dreaming. Life won't get better when your man will change, it will actually get better when you change.
* Don't give your emotional power away by depending on him too much for happiness. True happiness only comes from the inside and not anything outside of you. Therefore first find that within you, because once you do, you won't seek it from outside sources.
"I really wish he can love me the way I love him, I know he will change someday."
"I know if I push hard enough he will eventually change."
I am sure you've often asked yourself the same questions as well. I am sure you have sat there and dreamed all day long about how your life would be so much better if only your man did certain things differently.
Now the big question is - Can a woman really change a man? Is it true that if you knock on the door long enough and hard enough someone will actually answer?
Well let me share some advice which will help you a lot...
He won't change because you want him to. He will only change when he is ready -
First of all please understand - You don't control his mind, you don't run his life and you can't make him do things unless he personally wants to do them.
He is another human being and his life decisions will be completely out of your control just like your life decisions are completely out of his control.
Sure both of you can influence each other but that doesn't mean that one or both of you will do everything exactly as the other partner pleases.
If you are sitting there hoping that some day your man will change for you then you are knocking on the wrong door. And here is the big thing - Men do sometimes change but often that change is short lived.
Very soon they return back to their old behavior. Again I am not saying that all men are like this. There are men out there who do change for their partner but it's not very common.
So can a woman really change a man? Well in one word - NO! And even if she does attempt it's going to be one big hill climb and in the end the reward might not be what she expected. Here is why...
You will always feel unhappy if you depend on him to make you happy...
It's normal to have expectations from your partner, it's normal to look up to them for a lot of things but the big problem is this - Some women completely depend on their partner for emotional satisfaction and always find themselves in constant pain because of it.
Here is some truth for you - A relationship can never make you happy.
I am sure you've heard this before a million times but this statement is extremely significant.
Your partner can't do everything exactly as you want him to therefore there will be some disappointment along the way. And you just can't change that.
The only way to be happy in a relationship is to first accept that your partner has flaws and will do things you don't like or agree with. It's just a normal part of being in a relationship. If you can't handle this truth then you will always end up with unhappiness and disappointment.
Important points -
* A woman can not change a man to match her preferences. Even if a man does change temporarily he will always return back to his old self sooner or later. It's better to change yourself and accept that your partner wouldn't change instead of wasting energy on trying to change him.
* If you are constantly trying to change your man then the whole foundation of your relationship is already flawed. A relationship only works when two partners accept each other the way they are. The moment you try to change your man you can start counting the days before your relationship ends.
* If you believe that when your man will change life is going to be so much better then you are day dreaming. Life won't get better when your man will change, it will actually get better when you change.
* Don't give your emotional power away by depending on him too much for happiness. True happiness only comes from the inside and not anything outside of you. Therefore first find that within you, because once you do, you won't seek it from outside sources.
Relationship Wisdom - What Makes A Relationship Work?
Many of my clients have asked me over the years: What makes a relationship work? There are many theories either based on someone's opinion or based on research like in Dr. John Gottman's case.
In the end every relationship is different and what works for one, might not work for another. Having said this, there are a few basic principles that help make a relationship long or longer lasting:
Mutual respect
Sounds simple but once you have been together for a while the respect, interest and curiosity diminishes, as you get desensitized to your partner's ways. Many couples find that after a few years they wouldn't treat a friend as disrespectfully as they sometimes treat their partner. Looking at abusive relationships it becomes obvious that people give up the need to be respected for the little bit of apparent love and attention they get, which they probably didn't get enough of in their childhood.
Ask yourself: What role does mutual respect play in your relationship?
Willingness to continuously grow, as an individual and as a couple
We change and develop anyway, whether we want to or not. As a couple it is important to be open and willing to improve any aspect of self and the relationship on a continuous basis. Even though you're an adult now, this does not mean that your communication skills are unfaultable, right? Even though you've made love for all these years, are you really sure that what you're doing and experiencing is all there is?
Ask yourself: What areas of myself and of my relationship could I spend some time with this month or year and learn more about it? What could we do together as a couple?
Openness to get to know your partner again and again
You might think just because you've been together for 3, 5, 10 years that you know all there is to know about your partner. This would presuppose that nothing ever changes. The fact is that you are not the same person today that you were when you met your partner. Even on a physical sense the cells in your body will have totally replicated within seven years.
Ask yourself: What are we doing as a couple to know what's going on in the other person's life? Do we check-in with each other on a daily basis? Am I interested to hear what my partner has to say?
If any of the questions above have given you some areas to work on start today. If you find it challenging to do this on your own, find a couple's workshop, a communication class or find a counsellor or coach to support you in this journey together. You're doing not just your partner but yourself and your whole family a favor if you're happier where you are and with whom you're spending your life.
In the end every relationship is different and what works for one, might not work for another. Having said this, there are a few basic principles that help make a relationship long or longer lasting:
Mutual respect
Sounds simple but once you have been together for a while the respect, interest and curiosity diminishes, as you get desensitized to your partner's ways. Many couples find that after a few years they wouldn't treat a friend as disrespectfully as they sometimes treat their partner. Looking at abusive relationships it becomes obvious that people give up the need to be respected for the little bit of apparent love and attention they get, which they probably didn't get enough of in their childhood.
Ask yourself: What role does mutual respect play in your relationship?
Willingness to continuously grow, as an individual and as a couple
We change and develop anyway, whether we want to or not. As a couple it is important to be open and willing to improve any aspect of self and the relationship on a continuous basis. Even though you're an adult now, this does not mean that your communication skills are unfaultable, right? Even though you've made love for all these years, are you really sure that what you're doing and experiencing is all there is?
Ask yourself: What areas of myself and of my relationship could I spend some time with this month or year and learn more about it? What could we do together as a couple?
Openness to get to know your partner again and again
You might think just because you've been together for 3, 5, 10 years that you know all there is to know about your partner. This would presuppose that nothing ever changes. The fact is that you are not the same person today that you were when you met your partner. Even on a physical sense the cells in your body will have totally replicated within seven years.
Ask yourself: What are we doing as a couple to know what's going on in the other person's life? Do we check-in with each other on a daily basis? Am I interested to hear what my partner has to say?
If any of the questions above have given you some areas to work on start today. If you find it challenging to do this on your own, find a couple's workshop, a communication class or find a counsellor or coach to support you in this journey together. You're doing not just your partner but yourself and your whole family a favor if you're happier where you are and with whom you're spending your life.
Friday, May 21, 2010
A Short Story About Turning an 8 Year Long Divorce Into a Ten Minute Process - Learnings in Life
I'd watched Mohamed Ali knock boxers out. I'd seen bombs explode in movies. I'd been in gang fights and I'd crashed cars in rally trials. I'd chopped down trees and shot rabbits for dinner. But I never knew how far a human being could fall until I actually experienced it.
It's a simple matter. One day the discomfort is there, the fake identities are in place, the double life exists and everybody seems happy (even though at some level they are not). The next day, the children were crying, my wife was crying, I was crying. It's a simple matter, just crack the ego shell, find the truth, move on.
If a the drama of a divorce happened to me now, it'd take ten minutes to process. Twenty years ago, for me it took eight years to heal myself and for most people, that's about the average time it takes to heal the wounds and become friendly with the ex again.
Back then, when the crack happened between my nicely constructed life, or what is best called "Brand Chris Walker" the mask I loved people to identify me with, and my real life, I really thought death would be a nicer place to be.
I was given plenty of chances to sort that GAP out long before the proverbial hit the fan, but, being a good ol Aussie bloke, and totally not wanting to get caught up in fluff, I didn't.
I didn't read one single book, attend one seminar, question my doctor, seek a therapist, watch a DVD movie or speak to someone about the Gap between Brand Walker and Real Walker until I needed to. That was mistake number one.
So, nothing prepared me for the fall. I thought I was bullet proof, and to the extent that I could lie, sneak off behind my wife's back, afford the fancy clothes and cars, and entertain friends with good jokes and wine, I was bullet proof. Gee, I'd come from street thug, shy kid, broken violent home to multi millionaire success story, why would I want to mess that up with honesty. The thought of it made my blood curdle.
But the gap between authenticity and my life had grown wider and wider, it was deeper than a mountain crevasse, and faking it was becoming harder and more gut wrenching. My lover wanted all of me, my wife deserved all of me. It was bound to unravel.
Brand Walker, the me I presented to the world, my turtle shell was concrete, and yet, in one snap, it was in crumbs and it took eight more years before I was able to say, with honesty, "thank goodness."
The thought of living that life I had for the whole of my life, deluded, is beyond my comprehension. On one hand I lost the dream of a united family, one that I'd lied, cheated and manipulated to sustain, but really, I gained so much more.
My children, in the long run benefited: What sort of role model was I? They had a Dad living a fake life only deluding himself because children's intuition, especially my own young children, see through the masks, even if they don't want to know what they see and feel, they see through the Brand of Walker.
The break up day was the greatest day of my life. I lost everything that I'd considered important, and found everything that was important. And that was the second mistake, waiting for stuff to happen before acting on it. There are a million softer ways to deal with the Gap, to make this shift instead of lawyers, therapists and new age guru's.
Sure, I'd wish those softer ways on others, but, if like me, a person is so invested in their Brand - being someone - providing the fake before the make, then the crash is as clear, harsh and confronting as it will need to be. At least nature doesn't give up on us, all the way to the grave, we have a chance to learn, let go, evolve and enjoy the journey. Once hit between the eyes like this, life will never be compromised again.
The third mistake I made during this eight long year drama called divorce, was denying reality. I believed or wanted to believe there was hope for reconciliation, and did everything corruptly trying to get back together again. The reality was, if we had got back together, within a short time, everything would have gone back to how it was. Yuk....
As it turned out, I got compassionate leave from the University where I was mid way through my MBA, begged my now ex-wife to take me back, faked the change, promised to be good, sought help from half trained "relationship guru's" and basically tried to put the eggshell back together again.
It nearly worked. My ex-wife was as shattered as me, so the mix of her guilt and fear of the future combined with my tricks and promises of redemption nearly got us back together. Thank goodness her family held her safe, and her friends protected her from my games - she held tight to her convictions, the lawyers protected her from my games and I was left to deal with reality.
Without some healthy process to take me to a finality in this journey, without a coach to guide me, my middle ground - half life is ok drama could have lasted 25 years as it does for most people. Instead, even with the discomfort, it took eight long years to sort out the fallout.
Process
To clean cement from a cement mixer you hose it out as soon as you're finished. Leave it for a day, and it becomes concrete and then instead of a hose you need a hammer and chisel. Life's little challenges are best dealt with while they're soft, as they happen. In my case, I'd cemented 34 years of unwashed concrete against the walls of my brain. It was going to take more than a jack-hammer - dynamite was required.
My ideas, beliefs, patterns, values and habits that made up my ego nature, were set hard for years.
The process of personal change is so easy. It takes a few minutes at most to deal with a divorce, but the concrete is thick, the process is ego dependent, we resist without knowing it and take side tracks in self-help that add years and years.
All I needed to do was to get REAL and that can take very little time, however, in the process of struggling with things, I actually made them worse.
First I found my Myer Brigg behavioural profile and used it as just another way of creating a legitimising Brand Bubble around my ego. At some stage I became Buddhist which conveniently wrapped another Brand Bubble over the top of my ego. Then Yoga Brand Bubble and the list goes on and on.
I'd lacked real authenticity in my marriage, so why would I look for authenticity in my self-help? What I did, in the name of self-help and healing was, instead of giving up my ego was to find as many ways to reinvent it as possible.
The fifth mistake was in taking a self-determined path to sort myself out. It's like tickling yourself. I began by looking for people to agree with me, to reinforce my "story" about how things should be and shouldn't be in the world. I merged with like minded people, read like minded books, protested about like minded issues and rejected anything that disagreed with me. I used blame to strengthen my ideology, publicised my social conscience at every opportunity, found women who liked the new Brand Walker and made money, dancing for people who liked what they saw.
As a professional speaker you get paid to tell people what they want to hear. At the end of any speech people are asked to rate speakers on speaker feedback forms. What's the question? Did you enjoy this, did you get something out of it? Really the question could be put, "Did this speaker lie enough to make you feel comfortable with what you already thought?"
A highly rated professional speaker tells you what you want to hear and charges you for it. The more you hear what you want to hear, the more they charge. It's positive reinforcement, but it's not personal change.
My inauthentic life and the thinking around it was reinforced by the speakers I chose, the doctors I chose, supported by workshops I chose, constructed out of intellectual ideals that came from books I chose, moulded by groups I joined, endorsed by Eastern Teachings I twisted, backed by the Yoga I half practiced and worked on by therapists I played with. I'd worked on the streets since I was 14, I knew people, and most important to this inauthentic circumstance, and my naivety around changing it, I knew how to play people. No therapist with a psych degree from a text book university could, under any circumstance, get under my radar. I was from the jungle, I knew how to survive, which, in self awareness may not be the ideal model.
But those are just the bricks that the wall is made of. The mortar, the glue that holds those identity bricks in place are the everyday habits, the substitutes that were a normal, invisible part of my life. The habits I had like going for a morning jog, doing yoga, eating fast, enjoying coffee, lying to be kind, pleasing clients and doing what corporate trainers often called good leadership.
These habits that are hard to break are the mortar that hold the bricks that make our ego strong. Habits of thinking, doing, behaving, analysing, reading, interpreting - second guessing the world and people around me. It's a survival instinct that created a dependence that kept me from real honesty. And I had plenty of them.
I am still intrigued about the gap between what I was willing to question and my intention. I was hurting and so I read hundreds of self-help books - but I do remember flicking through them in the book shop to see whether I'd enjoy it or not - automatically pre-filtering challenging information.
But my favourite mirror of my deluded sense of self-help are the notes I took at conferences and workshops. You see, what the speaker said, what the speaker intended me to hear, and what I wrote down as my interpretation of what I heard were totally different topics. I managed to "pre select" information, filter out things I probably needed to hear, spin them and turn those things into what I WANTED to hear. My lack of authenticity, although purely innocent and accidental, screwed with the journey that I'd set out on to become authentic.
So, for a few years I questioned only what I wanted to question, and went on suffering when, after a week of elation post seminar, post book, post meditation retreat, post yoga ashram program, I'd be dealing with the reality of a divorce, my ex-wife being happy without me, and the truth of my miserable life.
What I didn't agree with, I didn't like. What I didn't enjoy hearing in those challenges I'd ignore, what I didn't enjoy reading that questioned my identity I'd discard as rubbish. The things I really needed to change remained untouched because I filtered out the challenges to them.
As the self-help bills went up, and the "filtering" increased with every new piece of "alternative" awareness, my health declined. Kidney stones, sinusitis, lung infections, cold sores, cholesterol increases, blood pressure, nervous system weakness - all the signs of a man living in his own deluded world were there, nature was saying, "hey mate, get REAL." Of course, that's easy to see in hindsight, and sad to think about.
Sad because it was like living with a broken leg and going to healers who just did what I told them to do. In the meantime, the leg continues to get worse, the healers get paid (their main concern) and I am in pain, dumping my emotional garbage on all those around me at work and home, but in particular, those I love most. To hell to the world of self help and amateur healing. Damn to the nice therapist, the sweet meditation teachers and the agreeable speakers. To Hell with the nice herbalist dishing me up what I wanted. Damn to the books that are written to sell.
One or two people challenged my process. My doctor had mentioned in my visits that maybe I needed to see a psychologist and get some therapy, but before the words had left her mouth, I'd discounted the idea and considered changing the doctor. I was interested in getting better, not worse which in my language meant, legitimising what I already thought, and how I thought about life.
Bit by bit my "SELF-HELP" which was primarily based on deluding myself by surrounding myself with things that agreed with me, went through a process of elimination. I read the books and still felt bad, I became the Zen master, and still couldn't deal with reality for more than a few days at a time. I because the Yogi and stuck my head up my backside, but that didn't change much, just who I slept with.
Conferences came and went, workshops drained my bank account, writing hundreds of thousands of pages of journals didn't help. I was still Chris, and I was still divorced and I was still a loser. Nothing had changed it, only given me nice places to hide from reality. Hiding in meditation rooms, yoga rooms, book rooms, and plenty of new age girlfriends, who promised they were happy to have unattached sex, but who, like me, were totally inauthentic, just wearing masks.
Therapy was out of the question. As I said before, I could manipulate any therapist or psychologist. I was more clever than that. Thirty odd years of street cunning, doesn't come unstuck in some fancy office with an intellectual. I was a mud wrestling business guy who had mastered the art of business in Asia. I knew more than any psychologist or therapist could throw at me. In other words, my ego was really well barricaded. It was a fortress.
I did go to therapy because I found an amazing therapist, a woman and she was attractive. I took her flowers on the second appointment, thinking all the while, "here's my next relationship - I'll marry emotional balance instead of finding it." I can't begin to tell you how stupid that sounds to me now, but at the time, health by association was a fantastic shortcut and, of course, the basis of the choices I made to marry my first wife.
After five years walking around in pain with a virtual broken leg, feeling suicidal and depressed, hating my life but "loving everyone unconditionally" (please speak those words in a soft smooth ashram tone of sincerity) - I was still ready to get into another marriage based on the same deluded definition of love and relationship that caused the first calamity.
When I presented the flowers and gave my therapist a kiss on both cheeks (suave eh?) she sat me down politely and told me, "Chris, you're an attractive, seductive man, but you'll never ever be romantically involved with me. You'll never bridge the gap between being a client and a relationship." She couldn't have made it clearer. And, with my old responses to success still firmly running my life I thought, "yeah, right!"
After six months of sparing twice a week with her, wasting her time and mine, I noticed that she'd started renovating the back of the house her counselling rooms were in, I want a plaque on that with my name on it. "Donated by the EGO of CW" At least it forced me to take this time more seriously.
My therapist's classic question was "Chris, how do you feel?" - at first I'd recall the text of some book I was reading or some workshop I'd just attended and then share how I should feel, which was how I wanted to impress the world and her, (art of seduction is my next book - smile please) - I'd say, "at peace" or "thankful" or "unconditionally loving." And at some surface and ambitious level I meant it. But my therapist was smarter than me, she didn't buy it and would ask, "and?" Man that used to annoy me, but as I saw her as my last desperate possibility for happiness, I tolerated the discomfort and, at last in my journey, went below the surface.
"What else do I feel - you ask? - What else? Well I'm angry at the money I'm wasting, and angry about this and that and this, and I'm sad about this and..... " then I'd cry. Damn it, then I'd cry and she'd sit and hold me.
So, suddenly I was aware of two worlds - the one I mastered in order to cope with life - to get what I wanted in life and the other world below the surface... "What the hell am I doing here?" I'd spring out of that vulnerable space - the Inner Space like a jack-in-a box - shocked and ashamed, embarrassed, "what's she going to think of me?" I'd ask, soon coming to the realisation that any hopes of a relationship were now dead.
Eventually I got over the discomfort, she helped me dive deep below the surface that I'd called reality, down into the inner workings of my heart and mind, into beauty of feelings I'd never felt. She held me close to her, something, as a boy who lost his mother at three years old, I'd never trusted.
It took time, years in fact. I had to cut through my own walls, and then my family culture of toughness, and then my masculine perceptions of manhood and so many other layers.
So, getting familiar with this other side of life was like carving marble with a tooth pick. My ego pushed back and in between sessions, I'd meet a new girlfriend, read another book, attend another seminar or end up in a court case with my ex. She had me by the balls and could, with a single phone call, squeeze as hard as she liked. And that's what needed to change more than anything else.
Three more years, making a total of eight since my fake world had started to crumble, I sort of made it to daylight. The therapy, some workshops that I allowed to challenge me, some relationships that I allowed to take me deeper than I'd previously dreamed possible. I now accepted that I felt things different to what the books and seminars proposed as "best" practice. I made love differently, thought about my ex-wife differently, loved my children unconditionally.
Eight years to do ten minutes work. Who wants that?
So, from all this came a mission. A purpose to my life, a reason to wake up and kick ass - to compress eight years of ego placating, identity fraudulence, pleasure seeking therapy and self-help into ten minutes of life change.
So far, I've got it down to a month, 30 days, in which I can take most people down that rabbit hole of self awareness, clear the debris, chip out the old set concrete and find the real happiness that can only come from the inside out. I'm still learning, each client brings somethings special and with that, I discover something new, something magic, a question, a process, an idea that tricks the ego into allowing real, permanent, sustainable, love filled, humanising change.
The eleven books I've published have been a process of distillation. Books are clumsy because they are made from words and words are not the short cut to truth. Words fart around the truth, they dance around the ego, they feed what we want to read and somehow drop in comprehension and interest when they stray into truth.
What could have made my journey easier was a book written by some guy who'd gone to hell and back and who came out the other side of it, happier and more connected to those he loves than before it. A story of a journey from the plastic façade of a constructed set of expectations that cannot be achieved to a real, simple honest acknowledgement of what it looks like to be Real.
Main Points
Respect the Ego: It's hard to do good if you don't feel good
Don't follow Your Ego: Lose authenticity, lose everything.
Do the right thing: Love your work and it'll love you back
Live inside-out: Relationships and family don't solve personal problems.
Self-Honesty: The simplest life is the most transparent - to you.
Trust something bigger than you: Don't argue with nature, no matter what people say, it doesn't work in the long term.
The law of lesser pissers: Piss others off or piss yourself off - you can't do both at the same time.
It's a simple matter. One day the discomfort is there, the fake identities are in place, the double life exists and everybody seems happy (even though at some level they are not). The next day, the children were crying, my wife was crying, I was crying. It's a simple matter, just crack the ego shell, find the truth, move on.
If a the drama of a divorce happened to me now, it'd take ten minutes to process. Twenty years ago, for me it took eight years to heal myself and for most people, that's about the average time it takes to heal the wounds and become friendly with the ex again.
Back then, when the crack happened between my nicely constructed life, or what is best called "Brand Chris Walker" the mask I loved people to identify me with, and my real life, I really thought death would be a nicer place to be.
I was given plenty of chances to sort that GAP out long before the proverbial hit the fan, but, being a good ol Aussie bloke, and totally not wanting to get caught up in fluff, I didn't.
I didn't read one single book, attend one seminar, question my doctor, seek a therapist, watch a DVD movie or speak to someone about the Gap between Brand Walker and Real Walker until I needed to. That was mistake number one.
So, nothing prepared me for the fall. I thought I was bullet proof, and to the extent that I could lie, sneak off behind my wife's back, afford the fancy clothes and cars, and entertain friends with good jokes and wine, I was bullet proof. Gee, I'd come from street thug, shy kid, broken violent home to multi millionaire success story, why would I want to mess that up with honesty. The thought of it made my blood curdle.
But the gap between authenticity and my life had grown wider and wider, it was deeper than a mountain crevasse, and faking it was becoming harder and more gut wrenching. My lover wanted all of me, my wife deserved all of me. It was bound to unravel.
Brand Walker, the me I presented to the world, my turtle shell was concrete, and yet, in one snap, it was in crumbs and it took eight more years before I was able to say, with honesty, "thank goodness."
The thought of living that life I had for the whole of my life, deluded, is beyond my comprehension. On one hand I lost the dream of a united family, one that I'd lied, cheated and manipulated to sustain, but really, I gained so much more.
My children, in the long run benefited: What sort of role model was I? They had a Dad living a fake life only deluding himself because children's intuition, especially my own young children, see through the masks, even if they don't want to know what they see and feel, they see through the Brand of Walker.
The break up day was the greatest day of my life. I lost everything that I'd considered important, and found everything that was important. And that was the second mistake, waiting for stuff to happen before acting on it. There are a million softer ways to deal with the Gap, to make this shift instead of lawyers, therapists and new age guru's.
Sure, I'd wish those softer ways on others, but, if like me, a person is so invested in their Brand - being someone - providing the fake before the make, then the crash is as clear, harsh and confronting as it will need to be. At least nature doesn't give up on us, all the way to the grave, we have a chance to learn, let go, evolve and enjoy the journey. Once hit between the eyes like this, life will never be compromised again.
The third mistake I made during this eight long year drama called divorce, was denying reality. I believed or wanted to believe there was hope for reconciliation, and did everything corruptly trying to get back together again. The reality was, if we had got back together, within a short time, everything would have gone back to how it was. Yuk....
As it turned out, I got compassionate leave from the University where I was mid way through my MBA, begged my now ex-wife to take me back, faked the change, promised to be good, sought help from half trained "relationship guru's" and basically tried to put the eggshell back together again.
It nearly worked. My ex-wife was as shattered as me, so the mix of her guilt and fear of the future combined with my tricks and promises of redemption nearly got us back together. Thank goodness her family held her safe, and her friends protected her from my games - she held tight to her convictions, the lawyers protected her from my games and I was left to deal with reality.
Without some healthy process to take me to a finality in this journey, without a coach to guide me, my middle ground - half life is ok drama could have lasted 25 years as it does for most people. Instead, even with the discomfort, it took eight long years to sort out the fallout.
Process
To clean cement from a cement mixer you hose it out as soon as you're finished. Leave it for a day, and it becomes concrete and then instead of a hose you need a hammer and chisel. Life's little challenges are best dealt with while they're soft, as they happen. In my case, I'd cemented 34 years of unwashed concrete against the walls of my brain. It was going to take more than a jack-hammer - dynamite was required.
My ideas, beliefs, patterns, values and habits that made up my ego nature, were set hard for years.
The process of personal change is so easy. It takes a few minutes at most to deal with a divorce, but the concrete is thick, the process is ego dependent, we resist without knowing it and take side tracks in self-help that add years and years.
All I needed to do was to get REAL and that can take very little time, however, in the process of struggling with things, I actually made them worse.
First I found my Myer Brigg behavioural profile and used it as just another way of creating a legitimising Brand Bubble around my ego. At some stage I became Buddhist which conveniently wrapped another Brand Bubble over the top of my ego. Then Yoga Brand Bubble and the list goes on and on.
I'd lacked real authenticity in my marriage, so why would I look for authenticity in my self-help? What I did, in the name of self-help and healing was, instead of giving up my ego was to find as many ways to reinvent it as possible.
The fifth mistake was in taking a self-determined path to sort myself out. It's like tickling yourself. I began by looking for people to agree with me, to reinforce my "story" about how things should be and shouldn't be in the world. I merged with like minded people, read like minded books, protested about like minded issues and rejected anything that disagreed with me. I used blame to strengthen my ideology, publicised my social conscience at every opportunity, found women who liked the new Brand Walker and made money, dancing for people who liked what they saw.
As a professional speaker you get paid to tell people what they want to hear. At the end of any speech people are asked to rate speakers on speaker feedback forms. What's the question? Did you enjoy this, did you get something out of it? Really the question could be put, "Did this speaker lie enough to make you feel comfortable with what you already thought?"
A highly rated professional speaker tells you what you want to hear and charges you for it. The more you hear what you want to hear, the more they charge. It's positive reinforcement, but it's not personal change.
My inauthentic life and the thinking around it was reinforced by the speakers I chose, the doctors I chose, supported by workshops I chose, constructed out of intellectual ideals that came from books I chose, moulded by groups I joined, endorsed by Eastern Teachings I twisted, backed by the Yoga I half practiced and worked on by therapists I played with. I'd worked on the streets since I was 14, I knew people, and most important to this inauthentic circumstance, and my naivety around changing it, I knew how to play people. No therapist with a psych degree from a text book university could, under any circumstance, get under my radar. I was from the jungle, I knew how to survive, which, in self awareness may not be the ideal model.
But those are just the bricks that the wall is made of. The mortar, the glue that holds those identity bricks in place are the everyday habits, the substitutes that were a normal, invisible part of my life. The habits I had like going for a morning jog, doing yoga, eating fast, enjoying coffee, lying to be kind, pleasing clients and doing what corporate trainers often called good leadership.
These habits that are hard to break are the mortar that hold the bricks that make our ego strong. Habits of thinking, doing, behaving, analysing, reading, interpreting - second guessing the world and people around me. It's a survival instinct that created a dependence that kept me from real honesty. And I had plenty of them.
I am still intrigued about the gap between what I was willing to question and my intention. I was hurting and so I read hundreds of self-help books - but I do remember flicking through them in the book shop to see whether I'd enjoy it or not - automatically pre-filtering challenging information.
But my favourite mirror of my deluded sense of self-help are the notes I took at conferences and workshops. You see, what the speaker said, what the speaker intended me to hear, and what I wrote down as my interpretation of what I heard were totally different topics. I managed to "pre select" information, filter out things I probably needed to hear, spin them and turn those things into what I WANTED to hear. My lack of authenticity, although purely innocent and accidental, screwed with the journey that I'd set out on to become authentic.
So, for a few years I questioned only what I wanted to question, and went on suffering when, after a week of elation post seminar, post book, post meditation retreat, post yoga ashram program, I'd be dealing with the reality of a divorce, my ex-wife being happy without me, and the truth of my miserable life.
What I didn't agree with, I didn't like. What I didn't enjoy hearing in those challenges I'd ignore, what I didn't enjoy reading that questioned my identity I'd discard as rubbish. The things I really needed to change remained untouched because I filtered out the challenges to them.
As the self-help bills went up, and the "filtering" increased with every new piece of "alternative" awareness, my health declined. Kidney stones, sinusitis, lung infections, cold sores, cholesterol increases, blood pressure, nervous system weakness - all the signs of a man living in his own deluded world were there, nature was saying, "hey mate, get REAL." Of course, that's easy to see in hindsight, and sad to think about.
Sad because it was like living with a broken leg and going to healers who just did what I told them to do. In the meantime, the leg continues to get worse, the healers get paid (their main concern) and I am in pain, dumping my emotional garbage on all those around me at work and home, but in particular, those I love most. To hell to the world of self help and amateur healing. Damn to the nice therapist, the sweet meditation teachers and the agreeable speakers. To Hell with the nice herbalist dishing me up what I wanted. Damn to the books that are written to sell.
One or two people challenged my process. My doctor had mentioned in my visits that maybe I needed to see a psychologist and get some therapy, but before the words had left her mouth, I'd discounted the idea and considered changing the doctor. I was interested in getting better, not worse which in my language meant, legitimising what I already thought, and how I thought about life.
Bit by bit my "SELF-HELP" which was primarily based on deluding myself by surrounding myself with things that agreed with me, went through a process of elimination. I read the books and still felt bad, I became the Zen master, and still couldn't deal with reality for more than a few days at a time. I because the Yogi and stuck my head up my backside, but that didn't change much, just who I slept with.
Conferences came and went, workshops drained my bank account, writing hundreds of thousands of pages of journals didn't help. I was still Chris, and I was still divorced and I was still a loser. Nothing had changed it, only given me nice places to hide from reality. Hiding in meditation rooms, yoga rooms, book rooms, and plenty of new age girlfriends, who promised they were happy to have unattached sex, but who, like me, were totally inauthentic, just wearing masks.
Therapy was out of the question. As I said before, I could manipulate any therapist or psychologist. I was more clever than that. Thirty odd years of street cunning, doesn't come unstuck in some fancy office with an intellectual. I was a mud wrestling business guy who had mastered the art of business in Asia. I knew more than any psychologist or therapist could throw at me. In other words, my ego was really well barricaded. It was a fortress.
I did go to therapy because I found an amazing therapist, a woman and she was attractive. I took her flowers on the second appointment, thinking all the while, "here's my next relationship - I'll marry emotional balance instead of finding it." I can't begin to tell you how stupid that sounds to me now, but at the time, health by association was a fantastic shortcut and, of course, the basis of the choices I made to marry my first wife.
After five years walking around in pain with a virtual broken leg, feeling suicidal and depressed, hating my life but "loving everyone unconditionally" (please speak those words in a soft smooth ashram tone of sincerity) - I was still ready to get into another marriage based on the same deluded definition of love and relationship that caused the first calamity.
When I presented the flowers and gave my therapist a kiss on both cheeks (suave eh?) she sat me down politely and told me, "Chris, you're an attractive, seductive man, but you'll never ever be romantically involved with me. You'll never bridge the gap between being a client and a relationship." She couldn't have made it clearer. And, with my old responses to success still firmly running my life I thought, "yeah, right!"
After six months of sparing twice a week with her, wasting her time and mine, I noticed that she'd started renovating the back of the house her counselling rooms were in, I want a plaque on that with my name on it. "Donated by the EGO of CW" At least it forced me to take this time more seriously.
My therapist's classic question was "Chris, how do you feel?" - at first I'd recall the text of some book I was reading or some workshop I'd just attended and then share how I should feel, which was how I wanted to impress the world and her, (art of seduction is my next book - smile please) - I'd say, "at peace" or "thankful" or "unconditionally loving." And at some surface and ambitious level I meant it. But my therapist was smarter than me, she didn't buy it and would ask, "and?" Man that used to annoy me, but as I saw her as my last desperate possibility for happiness, I tolerated the discomfort and, at last in my journey, went below the surface.
"What else do I feel - you ask? - What else? Well I'm angry at the money I'm wasting, and angry about this and that and this, and I'm sad about this and..... " then I'd cry. Damn it, then I'd cry and she'd sit and hold me.
So, suddenly I was aware of two worlds - the one I mastered in order to cope with life - to get what I wanted in life and the other world below the surface... "What the hell am I doing here?" I'd spring out of that vulnerable space - the Inner Space like a jack-in-a box - shocked and ashamed, embarrassed, "what's she going to think of me?" I'd ask, soon coming to the realisation that any hopes of a relationship were now dead.
Eventually I got over the discomfort, she helped me dive deep below the surface that I'd called reality, down into the inner workings of my heart and mind, into beauty of feelings I'd never felt. She held me close to her, something, as a boy who lost his mother at three years old, I'd never trusted.
It took time, years in fact. I had to cut through my own walls, and then my family culture of toughness, and then my masculine perceptions of manhood and so many other layers.
So, getting familiar with this other side of life was like carving marble with a tooth pick. My ego pushed back and in between sessions, I'd meet a new girlfriend, read another book, attend another seminar or end up in a court case with my ex. She had me by the balls and could, with a single phone call, squeeze as hard as she liked. And that's what needed to change more than anything else.
Three more years, making a total of eight since my fake world had started to crumble, I sort of made it to daylight. The therapy, some workshops that I allowed to challenge me, some relationships that I allowed to take me deeper than I'd previously dreamed possible. I now accepted that I felt things different to what the books and seminars proposed as "best" practice. I made love differently, thought about my ex-wife differently, loved my children unconditionally.
Eight years to do ten minutes work. Who wants that?
So, from all this came a mission. A purpose to my life, a reason to wake up and kick ass - to compress eight years of ego placating, identity fraudulence, pleasure seeking therapy and self-help into ten minutes of life change.
So far, I've got it down to a month, 30 days, in which I can take most people down that rabbit hole of self awareness, clear the debris, chip out the old set concrete and find the real happiness that can only come from the inside out. I'm still learning, each client brings somethings special and with that, I discover something new, something magic, a question, a process, an idea that tricks the ego into allowing real, permanent, sustainable, love filled, humanising change.
The eleven books I've published have been a process of distillation. Books are clumsy because they are made from words and words are not the short cut to truth. Words fart around the truth, they dance around the ego, they feed what we want to read and somehow drop in comprehension and interest when they stray into truth.
What could have made my journey easier was a book written by some guy who'd gone to hell and back and who came out the other side of it, happier and more connected to those he loves than before it. A story of a journey from the plastic façade of a constructed set of expectations that cannot be achieved to a real, simple honest acknowledgement of what it looks like to be Real.
Main Points
Respect the Ego: It's hard to do good if you don't feel good
Don't follow Your Ego: Lose authenticity, lose everything.
Do the right thing: Love your work and it'll love you back
Live inside-out: Relationships and family don't solve personal problems.
Self-Honesty: The simplest life is the most transparent - to you.
Trust something bigger than you: Don't argue with nature, no matter what people say, it doesn't work in the long term.
The law of lesser pissers: Piss others off or piss yourself off - you can't do both at the same time.
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